A New Move

I couldn't leave the Boise temple yesterday. I didn't want to. I spent three hours inside--have some funny stories--and three+ hours outside. I had a lot of things to think about, and I really just wanted a hug. Being there was the closest I could get to getting a hug.

I struggled. Immensely. I love that temple, and I wish I lived closer, but could I be there and get over Adam?

Maybe that's why I was supposed to move to Boise. To disassociate him from everything so I could finally move on.

Why couldn't I have him, and his girls, and the temple, and Idaho, and dancing. That would be my idea of heavenly.

I wasn't sure if I could have the temple and not be constantly reminded of what I lost. (Of course, as I sat pondering this, there was a couple getting the wedding photos taken. I wished that were us.)

Dancing. That's something that I had all but given up on. I was talking with one of my sisters on Thursday about selling my ballgowns. I haven't found anywhere to really dance, so I will not be in shape for an August competition, and ballroom here has just been adding to my melancholy.

Yesterday (Friday), at the temple, I read through my patriarchal blessing for the first time in a while. After starting with a prayer that I may recognize what I need to know for right now, I read it. The part that stood out was about my musical talents, and my thought turned to dance. I decided that I would take the opportunity to check out a ballroom place that evening. I mean, if I'm contemplating moving to a place where I don't know people, I need to know I can at least develop a dance group again. However...that would mean I probably wouldn't get back to my apartment until ~3am. I didn't have my contacts, I didn't have makeup, I didn't have appropriate clothes for dancing--I was in a pencil skirt--but I knew I needed to do it. So I did.

I went to a studio, and long story short, it was better than any of the places I've been to dance in Utah, even though most of the dancers at this studio are Newcomer Bronze level. Plus, I was loosely offered a job! 

The day was just showing me that I needed to be in Boise, but Adam's affect on my heart still concerned me. Plus, I have an interview for a NPO in SLC on Tuesday! I'm finally getting an interview! ...but I want to be in Boise. Such a conundrum.

Today, I was meeting with my youth for the Jordan River Temple Cultural Celebration practice, and as I was speaking with them, I got a strong impression that I was not needed in Utah after the temple dedication in two weeks. My future is in Boise. I've been tossing around that idea, but I haven't been able to swallow it until the feeling today. I mean...what if I run into Adam and his new girlfriend. (Total speculation, but I imagine he has one by now. Maybe even fiance.)

Whatever. I know it's where I need to be, so now I need to find a job there...and forget Adam.

...and that's why my mood went from super happy and optimistic to...I can't even muster a fake smile.

I'm not loveable. There are so many other attractive, nice, smart, talented women, why would any decent-looking man (much less a good-looking one like Adam) consider me?

In admittance to the impossibility of Adam ever coming back...I deleted him from my facebook messenger. I know that sounds silly, but it still had every odd message I sent him since November.

It's over. It's really over.

...and I feel so dead inside.

I was thinking about it: even Crazy Guy--who thinks that I'm "the one" for him, and refuses to consider otherwise--would run once he sees me in person. (Y'see, he's basing his opinion of me off of the notion that he thinks I'm beautiful.)

...my consolation is that I'm attractive enough for strangers to joke about wanting to have sex with me. (...yeah, that also happened yesterday. Whatever.)

I'm not the type anyone wants to be with though. I really thought Adam was different. I thought he was the one I've been waiting for.

I give up.

Boise will have dancing, the temple, and work. That's good enough for me.