A Day for Mothers

I have so much to be grateful for.

While there is a lot that I'd like to have, I still have so much.

Like, right now I have yakisoba cooking in the microwave. I'm so happy that I have that, because I have absolutely no energy to make food. I'm hungry, and I'm tired. So if the microwave can do all of the work tonight, I'm grateful. haha

Seriously, though. I spent the past...too many hours working on a job application that I'm perfectly qualified for. Though I was tired when I started, and more tired when I finished, I hope and pray my ramblings were not as bad as I think. I skimmed through the review page, and it gave me hope. I definitely don't have the mental capacity right now to focus on editing it. Rule 1 of editing: don't edit when you're tired.

Back to gratitude.

Facebook brought up a memory from 4 years ago, when we had a big mother's day shindig at my grandma's house. I painted special flower pots, and filled them with goodies like facial masks, chocolate, nail polish, etc. I had one for my mom, all of my sisters, my aunt, my cousins, and my grandma.

...and then my cousins got mad because they thought I was rubbing it in their face that they're not moms.

...yeah.

Wait. Gratitude. That really is the topic. I mean it.

I am so grateful that I have my trials and not someone else's. Mine seem pretty easy by comparison. I mean. Ok. It's mother's day. I'm not a mom. I want to be. Everyone is posting on social media about their moms/wives/or their kids, yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm avoiding it. ish.

Anyways, at church today, in Relief Society, the topic was on trials. Proverbs 3:5-7.  Or something. I don't know if that was the intended topic or if that's just what happened.

The teacher is amazing. I've loved every lesson she teaches, and today was no different. As I hear her bear testimony as she teaches, I wonder how the heck she is still single. (Awful of me, right?) I know she is divorced, and I couldn't imagine for the life of me why. I have seriously wondered, if she can't have a successful marriage, what hope do I have? (Turns out her husband was a totally abusive, porn/gambling-addicted, two-faced jerk that would disappear randomly for weeks at a time.  I'm glad she's not with him. She seriously deserves the best sort of man.)

Another sister shared a story that just killed me. I know how I feel on mother's day, and it's sad. My feelings are nothing compared to hers. (Again, I'm grateful for my trials.) This sister...her parents had her get a hysterectomy when she was 10 years old! I hope there was at least some medical reason necessitating it, but when she shared her stories she said that it was her parents' decision to do it.

Oh, my heart! I've secretly hoped to have kids...even though it doesn't look bright, I still hope. This sister had that hope removed when she was 10! Sure, there are options besides having natural-born children, but still! It was heartbreaking to hear. She has amazing faith, though. Maybe because of her trial, I don't know. It's devastating for me to consider.
...
I called my mom up after church, and I actually talked with her. I wasn't going to, but I shared with her some of my experiences in the temple yesterday. I shared with her one of the messages from sacrament meeting today, that, once again, showed me that God is aware of me. (But I didn't tell her that.) I had been reflecting yesterday, and the speaker shared a special story that he did not intend on sharing, and it went hand-in-hand with my musings!

So I shared some with her, and even told her where to find another related story in my mission emails.

It was a good conversation. I'm coming to realize that family history--mostly temple work--will probably become a bigger part of my life. It's so cool! I wish...I wish I had someone to share my experiences with.

My mom sent me over a bunch of couples that need sealing ordinances done. I want to do it. But...I'm weird. I want to do it after I've been sealed. But at the same time...these people are waiting for their work to be done. How selfish of me would it be to say "no, not until I've had my turn."

I pray that I can find the man I can marry quickly. We don't even have to marry right away. I just want him to be the one I kneel across the altar from so I can seal my ancestors. I want to share that with him. ...though maybe that’s too much to want. ...I’m struggling to imagine anyone really wanting to marry me, or do temple work with me. It’s too personal. Maybe I don’t have it in me to care for anyone.

I will have faith. Faith in finding a husband, faith in finding a job, and faith that my trials are meant for me to learn and grow. So I will try my best to learn from them.

...and now I'm going to bed. g'nite.