Where Can I Turn for Peace?

This really sucks.

"When a heart breaks, no it don't break even."

Today I've been contemplating my purpose, and trying to look at my situation from different angles. I want to work. I need that distraction. I need someone to rely on me for something to help me get out of my head.

In church the topic was overcoming trials, and changing your perspective.

So I tried. I wondered what my purpose is. What am I supposed to be doing? How can I help move things along so I can fulfill my purpose?

...and I couldn't answer that question.

I don't know.

Todavia me siento inquieto aqui, pero empiezo a dudar que nunca me vaya a pasar este sentimiento, y que tendre que quedarme aqui en Utah.

It causes me a lot of distress to contemplate, actually.

I thought about the jobs that I interviewed with locally, and they really don't feel right. But I don't like not working. I don't like feeling unproductive. I need to do something.

This has been a large part of my musings today.

I went with my roommate to an LDS Genesis "fireside" featuring the Bonner Family--we saw them sing on Friday at the "Be One" concert, and it was amazing, so I was excited for the fireside tonight.
...it wasn't as I was expecting. The first 45 minutes or so was a unity gospel choir singing, mixed with other announcements. Then the kids/youth went to separate meetings--it kinda felt like church all over again.

I was not all that into the first part, so I found myself thinking again. What could I do to make the most of my current situation? Try and act like I'm staying...maybe I should try dating again. I thought of the guys that have recently asked me out, and I really don't have the energy to even feign interest to take them up on their offer. Plus, that wouldn't be fair to anyone. I thought about going back to the Mutual app...but the same thoughts. My heart's not in it. So instead, I found myself missing Adam again. A lot.

I don't understand what I have yet to learn from that situation. I don't know why my heart can't let go. Who knows, maybe it's this period that I'm supposed to be learning some great something. ...What more can I learn from my heartbreak? Clearly I've learned that it really sucks. I also learned that I'm awful at getting over a person. I can't truly accept that I'll be alone for the rest of my life, I just don't know how to move on. Everyone seems to think I should have already. ...What can I learn from falling in love with someone who doesn't actually love me? I didn't mean to fall in love. Why did it have to be him? Why not with someone who I could start forever with? What is the lesson here? Stay away from technology? Only talk to people I've met in real life?

...I don't know how to change my heart. I don't know how to be interested in any of these other guys. I'm so tired of trying.

My brother-in-law called me during the program, and I stepped out to talk with him and my sister for a bit. When I went back in, the Bonner family had begun performing, and I decided to try and not dwell on any of this stuff. I don't need added stress of things I have no power over. I should focus my energies on finding a job. ...so I put Adam, as best as I could, back in the "history" folder of my mind.

Leaving the fireside, I was still...unsettled with questions about where the heck my life is going. I look at my phone, and there was a notice from Marco Polo: Adam was on--do I want to talk to him? All of my thoughts/feelings for him came out of their hiding spots. Of all days! I did not need to get that notice today.

Just another trial. I hope I pass this one, because I made sure he was deleted from everything. My heart hurts so bad, and I am feeling overwhelmed with everything I don't know in regards to my life. I'm so lost and lonely.

Where can I turn for peace?

I read a book, I don't remember what it was, but it had this quote in it:

"There were many ways of breaking a heart. Stories are full of hearts being broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream--whatever that dream might be."
-Pearl BuckI need to find a new dream, but I don't know how.

He was my dream come true...or so I thought. 

I just want to work and be able to go to the Boise temple. That would do for now.