Tired

It's hard.

It's hard to keep trying, and not give up.

I don't even know what I'm trying to do.

I'm sick of filling out all of these stupid applications, only to hear back from .000001%. I feel incredibly stupid because I'm obviously on the wrong side of the advice, "work smarter, not harder." I'm too tired to try to be smarter about this whole stupid thing.

I mean, the jobs that I'm fully capable of doing require multiple exams for each application, and the exams take hours and a complete retailoring of my resume each time. I'm too tired to waste hours on something that I'll never hear back from.

I'm tired of trying.

I'm tired of feeling like a failure.

I'm tired of feeling unwanted.

I'm tired of feeling useless.

It's not even like I've made one iota of progress to give me encouragement that I'm on the right path. I'm so lost.


The temp job I'm at is impressed with how quickly I'm learning things. ...it's not rocket science, just repetitive actions. It doesn't pay enough for me to live off of, either. ...but I'm ready to toss in the towel and say. whatever. I don't care anymore. This is obviously all I'm worth.

I wish. ...I don't even know. I wish I had someone on my side to help push me forward. The comments, "I don't know why you haven't found a job yet," or, "you should just come back./move to California," don't help at all. ...but that's all the support I have. They have their own families, and other priorities. They work as teams to support each other. ...me? I'm alone. and I'm tired.

I can do more. I don't know how to get people to see that. I know I'm not the best--I always seem to come in second place--but I'm still really good.

Why does it not seem good enough?

I'm also sad because my right side of my body hurts, and everyone is like, "go see a doctor!" ...but I can't. I don't have the money. They say I'll get reimbursed from the other person's insurance, except if that happens it'll take weeks. Y'see, I spoke with my insurance people today, and they're having trouble because the policy number I have for the other person didn't actually exist. ...so they're not entirely sure I'll get my car fixed by the other's insurance.

Life... I'm just tired.

I don't know what to do.

I wish I weren't so alone.