I've been so deep in a rut recently, I'm not out of it yet, but I have a slightly changed perspective.
Y'see, I went to the temple today. I didn't particularly want to go to the temple--I've been in this gloomy rut--and maybe that's why it was a great time to go.
I'm too critical of people, and myself.
(That's bad.)
I was sitting in the session, and this one particular post came to mind as an example of where I was so wrong. I knew I was wrong at the time, too, but I was frustrated and feeling hopeless. (...kinda like I am now.)
I would see single guys with kids (how they came to that situation didn't particularly matter); and then I had other guys tell me their issues with the law of chastity (Dude! I'm not your bishop!) and I would feel bad for myself and my chances for a future with someone--I wanted to be someone's first choice, and...whatever. I would also feel jealous of unknown characters because I'm the ultimate reject. Irrationally, I'd wonder if they could find someone to want to have kids with them, how come I couldn't.
(Totally weird. I know.)
With that post in mind, I was reminded of the atonement. Who am I to judge? The atonement of Jesus Christ allows us to be forgiven of our mistakes, but it also allows us to be healed. We've all been hurt--you can't go through life unscathed--and through that healing we are able to start fresh.
Just because I'm not someone's first choice in their life, doesn't mean they can't like me more. It doesn't diminish my value.
If someone breaks the law of chastity, that doesn't diminish their value either. The atonement works for them, too, to start over.
In real life, I wouldn't hold it against them. In theory, it's harder to imagine being ok with it, especially when I'm in a rut. But in reality...life is difficult. No one is perfect, and that's perfectly ok. You don't have to be.
Because in the long run, it doesn't matter so much where you've been, but where you're going.
The biggest thing I worry about, is if I find a man to marry...I want him to be as committed to me as I am to him. I don't want to feel like a second/last choice or like I'm in a constant comparison.
As I work to strengthen my testimony of the atonement of Jesus Christ, I know My worries can rest easy without bothering me: the past stays in the past.
D&C 58: (italics added)
42 Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.
43 By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them.
So, if he’s a man with a couple of kids in tow, no worries! I really love kids. If we have the same goals, and are determined to reach them...why not travel that road together? ...I just hope that he'll still want some kids with me, too.
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