Faith and Friendships

Faith is an interesting thing. It's something that I thought I had, but am realizing I lack it in a lot of practical aspects.

Boise, for instance. The past few days, I've been contemplating that decision. I chose to move to Utah instead of Boise. Yet I've not felt right in Utah. However, a part of me doesn't want to go to Boise if Adam's not/won't be in the picture.

Where's the faith in that? That's a very short-sighted perspective.

There could be a very different and important reason for me to be there. There could be a job, or an opportunity that I wouldn't otherwise get. There could be someone else there for me. I don't know, but I can trust that Heavenly Father does.

So why did I feel like Utah would be an acceptable place? Well, if you ask the same question enough times, the answer won't change, but the person you're asking may just throw up their hands and say, "Ok, you're going to do what you're going to do anyways, so go ahead. It won't kill you."

...I think Utah might have been a lesson for me to listen better. I just hope I haven't missed my opportunity.

I'm going to go up to the Boise temple this weekend and see how I feel--determine if that's still where I need to go.

On a different note...I am actually a really private person. I got together with some old roommates today, and in the course of the conversation one of them paused to look at me and said, "You know, I don't really know much about you. Except you seem to attract all of the weirdos." I thought to myself, nope, you don't know me. I don't much care for you either, so I wouldn't tell you something so personal as my disappointments and heartaches.

A couple of things throughout the day also helped me realize I don't know how to maintain friendships. After no one wanting to do the things I do, I'm used to doing things on my own. I've become an afterthought to people, and easily forgettable. (I mean, my first thought isn't to turn on a video game or movie for myself, but if my friends are doing it, I'm happy to join in. ...but because I don't do it on my own, it's assumed I won't play/watch and I get left out.)

It made me realize that while I still miss Adam, I'm probably nothing more than a passing thought, if even that, for him.

I need to put him in the past, and hopefully one day find someone who will want me, and won't forget me. I really don't want to settle for a "Mr. Collins."

...I just struggle to see how anything more than a Mr. Collins could be possible for me.