Can't Help Falling

Seriously. Kara Isaac writes the thoughts I've not been able to pin down.

In her book, "Can't Help Falling," the hero of the story is stuck with this dilemma: the heroine does not believe in God, and he doesn't want a relationship where he can't share himself 100% with her. It's completely understandable. Religion for some people, myself included, is a big deal.

So he's talking his concerns over with his mom:

"I keep trying to distance myself, I do. I know we can't be anything more than friends unless she's a Christian. But, I don't know, it doesn't make sense. I just feel like God has me in her life for a reason."
"I'm sure He does. The question is, are you okay if it's not the reason that you want it to be? Then what?"
"I don't know." He hadn't let himself go there.

That's the question that I've not been able to form, but I need to consider.

Adam came into my life for a reason, and I'm sure it wasn't to make me miserable. I thought that everything was happening because he was my media naranja--he was the one I would marry.

...what if that's not why I met him? What if he's just a teaching tool (not that I can imagine finding anyone better for me than him)? Then what?

I feel like I'm failing this test, because I can't forget him. And I can't figure out why else he would have come into my life. So I could learn heartache? To teach me that I think too highly of myself, and should settle with someone else?

Picnic Guy would like to go out again. I'm about to face him in a couple of hours at the dance. 😓 I'm not interested in him. I wish I could be. I wish I could be interested in any of these guys. ...and then I could move on from Adam.

Crazy Guy said he wants to go out with me because I'm beautiful. 😒 (Yes, I asked. I mean, we haven't talked in months, I "broke up with him" 4 times in 2 days--in January--which ticked him off, why would he want to go out now?)

I said no. Especially if it's only because he thinks I'm beautiful--I am helping him out by saying no. Though maybe I should meet him so he can see: I am not beautiful. My personality makes up for a lot, but I'm not physically beautiful.

And no one really wants to get to know me. I feel as attractive as the Hunchback of Notre Dame, which is to say not.

I wish I knew why Adam came into my life.
I wish I weren't so good at messing everything up.
I wish I could be interested in someone who was interested in me.
I think I'm making this more difficult than it needs be, but my spirit rebels at the idea of settling.
I want to be done living life by myself. I want a companion that can keep up with me, and not make me want to roll my eyes every two seconds. Every 10 seconds, ok. I can work with that. ;)
I want to be good enough for the person I'm looking for.

...Remember that time Adam sang me "I Can't Help Falling in Love with You"? ...that was probably the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. It made me melt.

Why did he come into my life, only to disappear so quickly?