Homesick

So much thinking. So this is going to be uber random.

• I decorated my apartment for cinco de mayo...except not. The full-size flags I have are from Spain, Honduras, and Argentina. I only have a baby flag for Mexico. ...I do have a poncho, bowl, and toy from Mexico, so, there's that. All in all, my decorating is not very festive. It's more fitting for a Spanish classroom. (I wonder why. ;) ) Oh, well. C'est la vie.
• I spoke with a woman the other day who had been in a remarkably similar situation as I find myself in regards to Adam. She's married now, and not to the guy who broke her heart. She said it's been 12 years since her guy up and left, but she still remembers the pain and confusion like it was yesterday. She'll never forget it, but it has faded. ...while encouraging, it's also not. I don't want to settle for someone else, and only give them whatever is left of my heart. I don't want to think back on him for the rest of my life. I wish I could change my perspective. ...Maybe I'll just keep waiting until the right guy turns my head forward again. ...so far it is none of the dates I have lined up for this weekend. ...which leads me to:
• I have some dates this weekend that I'm trying to get out of. I'm not interested in any of these guys, and I already had to deal with enough awkwardness telling the picnic guy I wasn't interested in dating.  

I have been thinking of my homesickness. I was feeling it today. It was pretty bad. I ended up sending Adam a message. I don't know what to do. I hate this feeling, and I miss him so much. I wonder if I will find someone else that feels like home. I mean, I've struggled with this feeling every now and again for half of my life.

In March 2015, I posted on facebook: This whole weekend I have been feeling homesick for a place that I don't even know.

Someone responded: My mom used to say that she had that, too. But it went away when she married. :)

I feel like someone else shared a more elaborate comment along those same lines, but I can't find it. I've been looking for that sense of home, and I didn't even know it. I found it in Adam. I don't think I'll be able to really be interested in someone without it. I mean, why else do I find it so difficult to be interested in any of these other guys? But it has taken me 15 years to find Adam. ...I don't want to wait another 15 years for someone else, but I also don't want to settle. I'm not as patient as Jacob of old.

----random blessing in disguise: I was going to go to Boise tomorrow, but this guy asked me if we could have our temple session include lunch, and make it a date. (I'd really rather not have it be a date, but whatever. I had already agreed to go with him to the temple.) As a result, I'm not going to Boise tomorrow, but I just found out that crazy guy is! So that gets me out of meeting him for another week. *phew* Plus, I figure I will go back to Boise when my roommate is away for a conference in a couple of weeks.