Words

I spent some time the other day thinking about why I am so loathe to have attention. Have I always been this way?

My reflections took me back to my childhood. Back to when I would put on plays for my grandma, and Olympics with the neighbor kids. I was always competing, always wanting to be the star. What changed? Because nowadays, I most certainly do not want that attention.

Let me preface this by saying: words are powerful. We use so many everyday, not realizing the impact they have.

Think about it.

How many times do you say something that causes someone else to react? I'd say always. Whether the reaction is them responding to your words in a positive or negative way...well, that's debatable. Some phrases are common place, we don't give them much credit. Such as, "please" or "thank you." Or, you know you heard this as a child, "put your dishes in the sink." That phrase can be an instruction, a complaint, a command, or a plea. It depends on the tone, but it is said to get a reaction. Ideally, with that last one, you'd get the dishes in the sink. However, it could get an eye roll, sass...you get my drift. Possibilities are endless, but all the same, words have power.

When I was in 2nd grade, a new family moved into the house one house up from me. They had a son my age, and a daughter a little younger. The mom, shortly after moving in, also set up an after-school care for other kids. It was great, because now I had so many people to play with!

I spent nearly everyday at their house: even during the summer. I couldn't tell you how old I was when I started hearing the comments, but I would hear the mom complain about me being there, and eating snack with everyone, when my mom wasn't paying. (It still embarrasses me to think about.) I just wanted to play. I mean, when I didn't go straight over, the kids would come over, knock on my door, and ask me to play.

After I heard the mom make negative comments--always very brief ones, but they stuck--I started to go over less. I made sure to not eat any of their snack when I did go over. I'd pretend I already ate, even if it was the mom that was offering. I would try and sneak by/avoid the mom, too. She didn't need to watch me, I was perfectly ok on my own, I just wanted to play.

I felt like an imposition. I was so embarrassed. I didn't understand moods: how someone could complain about me eating their food, and then offer me food. I thought she would just complain later if I had some, so I never did. I began turning down invitations from her children to come play. They were ok with me being there, but in my mind, their mom was not.

I probably stopped playing at her house in 5th grade.

Just a few short years, with sporadic comments, but they stuck with me. They impacted me. I was more aware of myself, and began to see myself as a burden on others. I tried so hard to not be a burden.

...and as a result...

I don't trust what people say; they say one thing, but mean another.
I have to do everything myself, so other people don't feel like they need to take care of me.
I don't like to be noticed, because then you'll find fault with me or want me to leave.
I won't borrow money from anyone--I still hate asking for money from jobs. I'll take whatever the employer feels is fair, or I'll walk away. I won't ask for more.
...and I'll somehow repay food you give me.
I won't ask for things. If someone makes me, I will ask for the smallest thing, because I don't need anything. If there's something I want, I'll figure out how to get it myself.

But I will happily give, and give, and give, and give.

But I don't feel worthy to receive. Who am I? I'm just me, and I can take care of myself.

This is why I don't like dating. I'm not interested in the guys that ask me out, and I feel bad that they're buying me food. (A guy the other day couldn't fathom that I really just wanted to go for a hike. He took me grocery shopping for a picnic instead. Horribly awkward for me.)

Adam was different, though. I don't know why, but he was. I could be myself for the first time in forever, and it seemed to be ok. ...until it wasn't. (Although, maybe it was ok because he could only give me his words. Granted, he talked of buying me flowers and chocolates in the future--which I would've given him the chocolates to eat because I'm not such a fan of them--and it made me really happy. Just the thought of that kindness made me happy. I would've taken the flowers, too, even though I'm not such a fan of cut flowers. In the past, I've hated when guys have given me flowers, but I kinda looked forward to receiving them from him. I don't know. Like I said, he was different.)

Whatever. Moral of the story, watch your words. You never know what impact they will have on another person.