Adam, This Is Important

Spring always brings to mind the things I've lost. I think partly because it was my grandma's favorite time of year.

I guess that just shows how much I still have to grow. Tis the season to grow, though, right? :)

I have spent literally all day reflecting and reviewing the past year and a half. I dug out my journals--regular and church--grabbed my scriptures, a dictionary--there were some words that needed some clarification--and a pen.

What did I learn? After Adam ghosted me, something did break inside of me. I have spent so long trying to force a dialogue with someone who wasn't ready to talk. The result? A huge mess created by a person I don't even recognize. She's not me. (I mean, obviously it was me, but it was not a version of me I know or like.)

It was funny going through last year's journal, I came across a hastily scribbled note at the bottom of a page in the middle of a talk I was trying to write:

Don't try to force promptings/teachings/talks. It doesn't work. :)

To give some context, there were stories I wanted to share because it coordinated with the topic I was speaking on, but I couldn't find a way to fit it in where it felt right. So many of those pages had slashes through paragraphs. I didn't share those stories. After the fact, I had noted that the other speakers shared the stories that I wanted to share, and because I was the last speaker, I was able to briefly reference their remarks while spending time on other stories only I could provide.

The Lord works in mysterious ways, and when you listen, you can see wonderful things unfold.

...I haven't been listening the past long while. I have been trying to force something that I shouldn't have. I needed to have patience, but I fell prey to the little voice in my head that would highlight my shortcomings, and make me feel like I had to do something to make Adam come back. But what I should have done was be patient. I should have focused on more worthy things, and only messaging him when I felt prompted to. (There have been times where I have felt prompted to message him, other times I just wanted to talk, and other times I just wanted to rail against everything because I was feeling so discouraged and confused. He didn't need all of those.) It has cost me much, but I hope not a permanent loss.

"One day your worst trial will be your greatest blessing."

I hope that is where this is leading to.

Y'see, I have been so focused on my hurt, and trying to puzzle out something that I have no control over. It has made me a little crazy. I'm sorry. Adam, if you're reading this, I am sincerely sorry for the craziness. That's not who I am.

I read through my journal starting in Jan 2017. There were things that had me sobbing from early that year. Though even through my trials, I still was able to make little jokes, and see my blessings. (I have been so blessed, and I'm very grateful for them.) I was able to reread my forays into dating, and how I--again, this is not something to do--tried to force feelings. I didn't understand love. I figured I was obviously doing something wrong if everyone around me could find love, but I couldn't. Still, try as I might, I couldn't force the emotion.

In my journal, I also recorded an experience I had with the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ in a real way.

I was humbled by the person I was. I saw myself in a way I definitely didn't see back then. I was funny, faithful, and full of hope even though I didn't recognize it as such. Then I met Adam, and everything was going so well. I found out what I had never understood about love. It was so easy to love him. I couldn't understand why he would love me, but I was so happy he did. I surely loved him. It made me so happy when we were talking of a future together. (I was so excited to explore DC with him.)

...then he ghosted me. I don't know why, and I may never know. It doesn't really matter. It does not justify what I did next. The tone of my journal changed sharply. I was so lost, clamoring for any reason why he would leave me.

Since I didn't have his input, I filled in the blank with every possible thing under the sun.

...Do you know what that much negative self-talk does to a person? It's not pretty. I don't recognize her. There were times that I felt me-ish, but most of the time the dialog in my head was of this heart broken girl I didn't know. (She was pretty crazy!) I look back on those entries from then--I don't even want to think about the blog posts and messages I started sending him 😨 Yikes!--and she wasn't funny, faithful, full of hope, or even very pretty. I didn't even have to look at pictures to know that. It doesn't matter what the outside looked like, on the inside I was ugly. I was a mess. (Though, I know my phone has a lot more selfies since then because I tried to determine if I were pretty. haha. oh, well.)

I became this insecure person trying to fill in a blank that could have very well had nothing to do with me. ...and then who's to say that over time my crazy blogging/texting made so it did have to do with me. (I mean, seriously, that would have scared me away, too!)

I felt like I lost half of mi ser the day Adam blocked my number. (Ok, so maybe crazy Erin is a little justified. ...but she should have normaled out sooner...no?)

Well, I am finally in a place to do what I have done today. I am willing to accept whatever answer I get, and trust in God. Calmly and with a clear head, I thoughtfully prepared questions, prayed a lot--ok, and there were lots, and lots of tears--studied, reflected, and came up with some conclusions I can live with.

The biggest thing that was made apparent by many, many small means as I read and pondered, is that I'm still in love with Adam. (One of my questions was do I love him or do I love the idea of him.)

So I want to make sure you caught that.😄

I'm still in love with Adam.

The next thing that was also clear was that I needed to sincerely apologize to him. I have not made his burdens light with all of my nagging. (That's such an ugly word...but it fits so well.) I have not been doing what I should have been doing which is giving him space, being patient, and if I were to write him I should make sure that it was uplifting. He has had a lot going on in his life--which is not to say I have not had a lot going on in my life--but I could have handled it better. A lot better.

One of the questions that arose from my musings was one I asked myself earlier last year:

How have I been overcoming my trials?

Today I asked myself that question again. Since May? I have pawned off the trial of my broken heart. I have been avoiding it. I had no idea what to do, and I tried to ask God a couple of times, but it hurt too much and I wasn't ready to do anything about it. As a result, it made everything else such a mess.

The next couple of quotes are from different lessons, but I wrote them in today's ponderings right after that last question. They are very fitting.

Sometimes things have to be destroyed before they come back stronger.

I sincerely hope that is the case here. It is the Easter season, and all. The time of miracles, resurrection, hope... has our relationship been so completely destroyed? I have faith that if it comes back, it will be stronger for our challenges we've had to overcome. The ball is in his court, however. He has to choose me. I still choose him.

So right after that quote was this one:

Why do we resist endings? Because we are eternal beings. It goes against our nature to welcome endings. -Dieter F. Uchtdorf

It's not in context of the talk he gave--I had to look up who spoke on it--but it struck me as an important thing to remember, so I rewrote it in my journal today. (I'm taking it as a green light to be stubborn where Adam is concerned. ;) kidding, kidding! But I still am not quite ready to give up on him yet.)

Today's exercise has left me with this resolution: I'm reclaiming me. No more of the crazy girl I don't recognize, or even want to know. So who am I?

I am a daughter of God.
I am the COOLEST aunt ever. (Don't believe me? Ask my nephews. 😎)
I'm brave, stupid, and sometimes impulsive.
I'm beautiful.
I am teacher and a friend
I have a REALLY big heart (even though I've only been in love with one person.)
I can be rather funny. (You should see some of the things I wrote in my journal! They had me laughing.)
I am faithful, loyal, and honest. (Sometimes sharing too much information. I'm working on it.)
I am loveable.
I am caring. (I have such a big heart, it extended into this line, too! 😄)
I am talented and smart. (Truly, I am. I can also be stupid, as noted above. Hey, it's life. 😊)
I am worth waiting for.

...and so are you, Adam.

I'm reclaiming who I am. While I wait for...I don't know, but I hope to know it when it happens...I'm going to refocus on who I was before, and becoming a better version of her. I want to become the companion and friend my future husband needs. I want to be prepared to be the best wife and mother I can possibly be, knowing that I will continue learning and growing with my husband.

I feel like I've been well on my way, and trying to rectify this mess I've made with the blog and messages is one more big step. I will continue to improve, and I will continue to hope and pray.

I can't picture myself with anyone else but Adam. But I know that if Adam doesn't choose me, the Lord will lead me to someone else and help me love them. I have to try with Adam first, though. He's the one that I want. He the one I can picture both fun and mundane days with and still be perfectly happy.

I have also decided to take a break from the Mutual app. It's an unproductive use of my time. It really hasn't been doing me any good, except highlighting the fact that I still miss Adam.

Haha, 11 months ago we started talking. 11 months ago, he forever changed my life. It has taken me a long time to get to this point, and I still hope he comes back to me.

I love Adam. 💓 I choose him.

But I will have faith to go where the Lord wants me to go, and do what he wants me to do. It will be alright.