Two Years

It has been two years. That number, the time of the year--none of it is lost on me.

I had little faith, and find myself unprepared.

In circumstances unrelated to him, it is a sad realization. I had the feeling this would be the case, and I doubted it. I had hoped, and many--including myself--told me to give up, so I did. They pitied me that I would hold on so long; for if it were going to happen, it would've already happened.

Will we happen now? I don't think so. Maybe this experience was to show me that I need to trust, have more faith in, the promptings I receive. So many times throughout this situation, I've bulldozed ahead, and look at where it has gotten me? This whole thing could just be a long, drawn-out, painful lesson.

He's the only man I've ever loved, and I've tried to love others. I know he's gone through his own trials, I don't even know who he is anymore. Not even a single clue. So it's difficult to imagine we might work.

The visiting general authority for our stake conference was so good.
Can I just say, I love the way the church is organized, and I love the priesthood authority. The Stake RS Presidency made/served dinner for Elder Rawson and his wife, the stake presidency, and ward primary presidents and their spouses. There were extra seats, so we ended up joining them for dinner. I was able to sit at Elder Rawson's table, and get to know him and his wife a little bit personally before the first session. They're much like anyone else in that room. When it came time to act in his role of presiding authority, on assignment from a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, you could feel the power of his calling in his words and his inspiration. I love the priesthood authority, and I sustain those who wield it.

Between Elder Rawson and the temple president today, and things my bishop from Virginia taught me, I was left with things to ponder. Things like the infinite and healing Atonement of Jesus Christ, serving others, and trusting in the Lord.

Trusting the Lord with Adam two years ago was easy. Trusting the assurances I got was easy, because Adam was right there with me. As time went by, and Adam made other choices, it became exponentially more difficult to trust in any of the assurances I had had of the Spirit.

Elder Rawson and our stake president today, taught that healing is a process, not an event.

It's a slow process. I wanted to be healed all at once. I wanted my life to go back to what it was before. I didn't want the hurt, and the self-doubt I now had in ways I'd never before imagined.

I’ve gotten better in a lot of ways, I'm still working on others. I wanted to believe that any righteous man and any righteous woman would be able to make a marriage relationship work. I've gone out with good men. I even dated a couple. I've not been able to encourage their thoughts on marriage though, because try as I might, I couldn't love them like that. I knew I could change myself to fit the lives they had/wanted, but I also knew that wasn't the life I'm supposed to live. I still fought the Spirit on it, though. My answers were not the ones I wanted. I wanted to be done with dating and be able to say yes to one of these guys. I haven’t been able, in good conscience, to do that yet.

Adam made his choices, I made mine. I've lived with it.

Agency has also been a big theme of this conference. We have to deal with the consequences of our decisions, whether that means repenting or forgiving. Forgiving ourselves, forgiving others, allowing healing to occur.

Elder Rawson, I think it was, remarked that sometimes you can do all of the right things and still be unhappy. (Yup, I know that.) He shared a story where that was the case with him, and after praying he felt he needed to change his mind. Do those same things, but do them with the idea of serving other people at some future date in mind. Get an education because one day you'll be married, and you'll want to support your family. Study the scriptures so that when someone needs guidance, you'll know how to help them.

He noticed a difference in his emotions when he switched from checking off boxes for selfish reasons to doing the same things with the thought of serving others down the road. He wanted to learn more, he wanted to be better.

The apostles (Eyring, Holland?) have said that if you keep your future kids in mind, you'll probably live a little differently.

With them in mind, I want to find a good man who would be a good father.

Though the first picture on his profile was one that I really liked before, the likelihood of him talking to me is slim to none. The things he wrote about himself were also things about him I liked--they were from my long-time "wishlist." The fanciful girl in me thought it'd be awesome if he did it for me, but let's be real, he didn't do it for me. He just happened to be everything on my list.

I think it's time to write a new list. I'll figure things out for myself eventually, and hopefully I can find the man who fits. I'm worth it.