Motherhood

I'm struggling.

I'm hurting.

I love the temple. I went there today, and if I could stay there all day, I would.

I wonder when it will be my turn. When will I be able to love and be loved. When will I be more than just an afterthought?

A sister just texted me thanks for a little Mother's Day treat bag I gave her. She's had a rough couple of weeks, and it really made her day. I was not anyone who had to give her something; we're not related. I haven't even talked to her in weeks? Months? I just felt like I should give it to her.

I don't know what is going on in her life, except I know her husband is due to graduate law school soon, so that's pretty big. I imagine leading up to the end of the final semester would be hard on him and his whole family.

I can't imagine. I think of my trials, and they're pretty small, relatively speaking. I mean, sure, I may or may not be able to go back to teaching in the fall. If I don't, then I don't have a job, which means no money, which means no rent/food. It's a little stressful, but at the same time I'm numb to it. I'm just me.

Which is my next thing. I'm single. Not a huge trial. More than a little sad, but again, I'm numb to it. I can't really imagine what it would be like to have someone else. I think I'm actually too set in my ways to really be able to get involved with someone else. I'm too tired to even make friends. Or maybe I'm too tired to always be the one going to meet people. I need someone to come to me. If I don't call, or text, or go to their house, or their classroom, I don't see/talk to anyone. It's tiring.

Really, though. The impact these things have on anyone else is quite non-existent. No one relies upon me for anything, my trials are mine alone. So not a big deal.

This sister, as moms all over the world, have people of all ages relying on her. Moms are the glue that holds things together. She has to support her children and their struggles, teach them how to handle their trials while managing her own, and she has to work in close relationship with her husband who has things going on in his life, too. That's so much more difficult.

It's a little sad to think that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter where I go or what I do. But I don't know if I'd really be up to the task of being with someone, and having a family. I used to like to think I'd be good at it, but anymore...I'm not so sure. I'm tired. I'm old.

Have you ever wondered if there's dating in the Celestial Kingdom for people who've lived worthy of that kingdom, but never found a companion? ...it's kinda a depressing thought. I don't want to have to deal with dating in the eternities, too. >.< I'm not good at it here, why would I be any better there?