Setback

After talking with my friend on Saturday, and really thinking about it Sunday, I thought that I could finally learn to move past my feelings and move on.

No one else can do it for me, I have to do it on my own. And I can't expect he'll speak up and give me a reason for his actions this late in the game.

If I want a future family, I have to seriously give other guys a chance.

I was coming to terms with it yesterday. Struggling, but coming to terms with it.

Last night undid all of my progress. For no other reason than everything in me really just wants him. He fit me like a puzzle piece.

I woke up this morning after dreaming about him, and it hurt my heart so bad. It's the life that I want, except it seems to only be possible in a dream. (My favorite part? His eyes were so close to mine.)

In real life, I say all the wrong things when I get nervous--I overshare, and just keep digging myself holes.
I truly don't know how to do relationships that I want to keep, outside of my family.

I've always hoped that someone I am attracted to would see past my awkward social-self, find me cute and funny, smart, caring, and see that I am a pretty great person to be around.

I thought he had.

I thought we were great together.

I got ahead of myself, apparently. Missed something.

Slow and steady wins the race; I lost.

My friend on Saturday asked me if I loved him for him, or for his daughters. (She knows I love kids.) I loved him for him, for sure. His daughters were immediately enveloped in that love, too. I'd still love him if he didn't have daughters.

And there's the crux of the matter. I still love him.

It makes me so sad, and I hate being sad. I hate being alone on this little love boat.

Maybe I can find some answers at General Conference this weekend.

If he has moved on, I should be able to, too. 💔😢