Coloring with Crayons

I'm done trying. I'm done hoping.

I will never be good enough for anyone.

Sister Matsumori shared a story last night about a little girl who went to be evaluated on her skills before starting kindergarten.

The teacher sat the girl down at a table with crayons and a paper, and said, "Stephanie, choose your favorite color crayon and then write your name on the paper." Stephanie's mom sat there waiting for Stephanie to impress her teacher. Y'see, Stephanie not only knew how to write her name, but she knew how to write the name of everyone in her family.

Stephanie sat there looking around the writing area. She didn't write her name--she didn't even pick up a crayon!

The teacher looked at her and said, "That's ok. We'll teach you how to write your name in school."

Stephanie's mom was a little confused. On the ride home, she asked Stephanie, "Why didn't you write your name when the teacher asked you to?"

To which Stephanie responded, "She said to pick my favorite color crayon, and there was no pink."

She shared that story to illustrate that we shouldn't let not having the right color crayon (job/boyfriend/roommate/calling/etc.) keep us from doing what we are able to and finding joy in the journey.

...I understand it for the job. I'm going to take the next job I get offered. Regardless of what it is. I just want to work.

I go on dates... I'm trying to color with different color crayons. But none of them are pink.

I want a family. I want a best friend. I want to be a companion and support. I know I'd be good at all of those things. I just...can't seem to want it with anyone else except Adam.

I met a guy yesterday. We had been talking for a week or so. He was heading back east, so I asked him if he could drop some things off at my old dance studio.

Before I met him, I thought maybe he would be someone I could date. When we met, I realized, nope. Friends.

Maybe I write them off too soon, but in my experience, the important feelings don't change over time.

I want someone that can take me to the temple. I want someone who will be mine forever. I want a good husband and father to my kids. I want someone who will talk to me so we can work through problems together. I want someone I can trust enough to talk to about anything. I want someone I can be myself with, and who can be himself with me.

...and so far, I've only met one guy like that...and he doesn't want me anymore.

I'm so tired of trying. I'm so tired of hoping for the impossible. I'm tired of wondering if I'm pretty enough. Or if I'm too intimidating.

I'm giving up on love. And facebook. (A lot of my friends are posting cute baby pictures, or pictures of their kids...it's hard. And as bad as it is, I look at some of my friends and I ask myself, if they found someone to love them unconditionally, why can't I? 😢)