Not Enough

Why was I not enough?
Why was I not enough to even merit some explanation?
You said you loved me.
You said you wanted to marry me.

I loved you.

Why was I not enough?

I had never loved anyone before.
I wasn't even sure I could say the words.
I told you this.
Then with you, I could say the words.

I feel so dead inside.
It ebbs and flows.
Like the tide, it changes, but it's always there.
This abyss.

I thought by moving away from the memories it would be easier.
Instead I moved away from my distractions.

Every rejection brings takes me back to nine months ago.
It makes me feel like I'm not enough.
I'm not enough to employ, I'm not enough (for you) to love,
I'm simply not enough.

I don't know how to get past it.
I don't know how...

...I'm going out with a guy tonight. I don't know anything about him except he didn't ruin the engine when he fixed a car. He said I sound demotivated and need a little cheering up, but that's an easy fix--ice cream! Tonight. ...I didn't tell him I don't like ice cream. Instead I said, sure, let's go.

Maybe I can be less picky.
Who am I to be a stick in the mud?

Love, well, there are different types.
Love is like liking...
If I can like someone, that should be good enough.
like, tolerable...it's all the same.

I just wish I had been good enough.
Funny enough.
Smart enough.
Pretty enough.
I wish I had been enough for you to love for more than a week.

I wish I were enough for you to miss.