Easter

It's ok to cry on holidays. It's ok to cry when you're isolated by yourself. It's ok to cry just because.

I have been contemplating a lot of things recently. I know it's not fair to compare where I am with where they are. We're on different journeys. It's just sad to be alone and far away.

This morning I woke up not really feeling all that into Easter. It just felt like another day, and actually a little numb. I saw someone else who was struggling on Facebook, so I decided to say something. In trying to help her, I at least helped myself feel something.

I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I love the message of hope. It is hard for me to reconcile how it all fits in my life, aside from simply being allowed to help others understand. I believe in Christ, but at the same time, I don't seem to believe him. I struggle to find worth in myself, and so I don't see how the promises I've been given could ever be fulfilled. I don't feel like I am worth sacrificing anything for.

I do know that the gospel is true though. I can see the worth of others. I can see how God is waiting to bless them. I know that God loves me. I know that he hears my prayers, and I recognize some answers, while others are still...lost to me. I don't understand why I can't love someone else enough to picture eternity with them. I see them as friends, and when I think of forever with them, it doesn't feel right. I don't know why I couldn't be blessed with a family of my own. I do the right things, and I'm a generally nice, intelligent person. Anymore, I feel like it's too late, and if I were presented the opportunity, I wouldn't want it. Why would anyone choose me?💔

I recently shared a post from Women in the Scriptures, and then another person commented on how it helped her to look at things in her life from a new perspective. That's what I need to try and do.

"Why ever silence meets our call, somewhere, some time we'll understand."



On a happier note: I've had so many cool Gospel insights this weekend, and I want someone to share them with. I want to have a good discussion. The more I learn, the more I see how everything is connected, and it is so cool.

Maybe someday. At least prayer is an open line every time.

I'll keep fighting this fight. I will not give up. I'm going to find my purpose or figure out how to make one up.