I Wasn't Wrong

Hey Adam,

How wasn't I wrong about you? It's a long story, probably better told in person, but.

I'll give you a cliff's notes version:
I knew from the beginning you were a special man. You're confident, funny, intelligent, and down to earth. You were patient, understanding, and comforting, too. You were amazing and a great dad. In short order, I found myself falling headlong in love with you.

That, too, freaked me out. But in a good way. It felt perfectly right and incredibly real.

When you ghosted me, I doubted everything. Everything.

It was awful.

How could I have been so wrong? How could I have received the witnesses I received only to have that happen? Did I misread everything? Did I get the answers that I thought I did? Did I even know you? Was everything I thought about you a figment of my imagination?

I kept feeling like I wasn't wrong about you, about us, but this was just how it would be. For a season. Or...like 8. (aka. 2 years.)

I've had discussions with my priesthood leaders on agency, and trials, and...well, "you've just got to move on."

I tried. I'm still trying. I will continue to try until you or someone else comes along and..yeah. There's a lot to say there. I'll skip it for now.

Well, I kept feeling in 2 years things would be different. Which I doubted. I'd been so wrong about everything else where you're concerned, why should I trust this? This feeling stuck with me through every relationship: two years. I half-waited, because what if...? I've not found anyone who complements me like you did. I've not found anyone who made me laugh like you did. I've not found anyone so...perfectly imperfect for me as you were. I haven't found anyone who...como lo explico? Before you and since you, I've doubted that I actually have a functioning heart. You have been the only one capable of reaching me there. Could I possibly settle for less, now that I know what I'm capable of feeling?

But was our...what we had, was it even real?

Then last December, I saw that you had gotten married. It was official. Just when I had seriously thought that maybe something would change in May/June of that second year to bring you back, my hopes were crushed. Again. How stupid could I be to think that 2 years would suddenly change things for us? What good would it do anyways? He didn't choose me before, why would he choose me now? I was devastated because I must've truly been wrong about everything.

I...was not ok with it. I struggled, but I accepted it. I wanted you to be happy, even though I was really knocked back to square one. A little bit dazed...

When I saw your profile in May, I was legitimately sad for you. I didn't want you to have to go through heartbreak/mess like that again. Even though we hadn't talked, and even though you didn't choose me, your well-being still mattered to me. I like to see others find their happiness, even if I can't find mine the way I'd like.

What really matters is that when I saw your profile, it was two years later. A lot has happened in those two years. I don't suspect we'll magically become what we didn't become before; but when, by all means, you shouldn't've shown back up (because you had recently married), you did.

I wish it were because you suddenly missed me, but I don't think that's what matters. If I wasn't wrong in my impression of two years, then I must've not been wrong about my impressions of us, and my impressions of you. (Which a number of people have tried to discredit based on your hasty exit.)

I still don't know what happened with us, and it doesn't really matter. I can still trust my instincts, which is reassuring to me. I can also trust that two years ago, I fell in love with an incredible man.  He was a man worthy of my affection, and for a time, I was really lucky to have his. He was everything I was looking for. He was a good man (ghosting me aside).

I'm glad I wasn't wrong about you. The only better person I can think of to have lost my heart to would be to someone who would have stayed. 😉

Oh, well. Life's not fair. You did tell me you love easily. 😄

And. I actually don't know that I could ever just be your friend. At least while I'm still single. The idea of watching you date/marry someone else (again), sounds awful.

So best wishes. I sincerely hope you find your happiness and peace. I know any woman would be lucky to have you. You're a good man, Adam. Give your girls a hug for me.