Feeling Stuck: an Existential Self-study

I don't love teaching. The thought of juggling teaching and classes about teaching does not sound appealing in the least. That will be my fall.

I'm sitting here working on some homework for one class, and I skim through everything (if even that much) so that I can complete the assignments. The thought of having more coursework on top of lesson planning/grading simply sounds awful. I need to find a social support somehow.

Maybe I really should work more towards a legal something. Or try more to get in with an NPO.

I have a little over a week left on the east coast, and I'm not looking forward to all of the solitude I'll have once I get back to Idaho. Sure I can scrapbook, and paint, and go hiking...but what fun is it if it's by yourself and only for yourself?

I know I have my RS responsibilities, and primary and temple callings. I'll be a conference driver for a day, and I'll go rock hunting with some people from the dance studio. Maybe go on a river cruise. I'll have Spanish and English Praxis tests to take. Lessons to plan. There will be much filling my time...but there's no social connection. At the end of the day, I'll be on my own without anyone to just hang out or grow with.

I wish I could engage my heart as easily as a lot of people seem to be able to. I gave it all to Adam, and I'd give it all again to him. With others that I've tried to, red flags pop up (funny, right?), so we'd talk about it only to find we'd never really work.

There was a discussion in a conference or something, and the speaker said that when you find what you're supposed to do, something will click within you and you'll be able to push through whatever lies in your way to accomplish that purpose. You'll bloom. You'll feel accomplished as you work towards it as well.

Here I am, thinking about teaching and all that entails, and I feel like I'm at a dead-end with the walls crowding in around me.

I don't know that education is the best use of my skills and talents. I don't know that I should focus my energy for the next few years that way. Bof. I need a blessing. Do I even stay in Idaho?

Haha. Here I am, the person that wanted to celebrate a 60th anniversary with someone. The person who wanted to put down roots and just stay and grow in a place. The person who wanted to help my family grow in goodness and explore their interests. Yet I am the one who has moved more than anyone else in my family, still is single, and still have no idea what I'm doing. (I want to do temple and family history work, that much I know.)

I really want to find home. Home is what the heart is, and mine is still lost.