The Long and the Short

I really miss Adam.

It has been 16 months (16 months!), but who's counting? I'm really not keeping track. In some ways it certainly doesn't feel like it has been that long. I still feel like any day I'll hear his voice again. I can still hear it in my memory, and it really throws me off. I miss him.

My heart is hurting today. I'm so confused, and I feel bad.

The guy who helped me move has hinted that he would like to date me. I have made no motion to encourage that thought process. I'm not interested.

Well, he told me about a dance thing held last night, so I went. Probably shouldn't have. There were 8 people there. Two were instructors. The dance? Argentine tango. -.-

Well, of course the guy I knew (we'll call him Guy 1) wanted to dance with me--we did dance together on the dance team 5 years ago, after all. ...except the instructors saw the disparity in our skill levels, and ended up having me dance with another guy--a friend of theirs (we'll call him Guy 2)--for the hour. The male instructor kept coming over, and the general feel from his comments was that he was trying to play matchmaker with us. Well. Guy 1 was not too keen on it. Guy 2 seemed to be interested. Girl 1 (that's me) did not want any part of it. And the instructors left for the evening pleased with their attempts.

...I just wanted to dance. Instead I got this awkward interaction that continued into the parking lot with two guys I have not the slightest interest in.

Guy 1 texted me after. Eek. I tried to be neutral in my response, as one would be with a friend, and kept it short, but polite. I did not encourage further communication.

...I then come back from work today to find a gift bag on my doorstep. At first I thought it was from some ladies at church. ...Until I realized they don't have my address yet. Then I look inside to find a candle, chocolates, and a card from Guy 1. :(

I don't like getting gifts in the first place. Not unless I know you well, and even then it depends on the situation. I really don't like getting them under these circumstances. I mean, a card would've been more than enough.

My sister asked me why I don't just go out with him, or Guy 2, since Guy 2 seems to be a better dancer. I can't.

I should be excited to receive a text from a guy I'd want to date. I should want to respond in a timely manner. I should look forward to seeing him.

That simply is not the case for either of these guys.

It, however, is still the case for Adam. ...and it doesn't help that I've been really missing him a lot recently.

Y'know, I went to a fireside the other week, and the speaker said that we should pray after every date to know if it is someone with whom we should pursue something. ...so, to continue my attempts to move on, I have prayed after my interactions with these guys. Still no inclination to the guys, but instead my thoughts go to Adam, and how things were with him. And then I miss him, even more.

I really wish he would come back. I know it wouldn't be easy, but I'd rather do difficult with him by my side.

I've seen a lot of posts today about how broken engagements turned out for the better. The ladies are happily married, with families, and there were great lessons they had to learn from the broken engagement.

...I don't know what I'm supposed to be learning. I'm trying to be open to new opportunities. I'm still living my life, I just...wish I didn't have to live it so alone.

Bof. I still love him. That's the long and the short of it.