I was talking with my mom today, and the topic echoed thoughts I've heard a lot recently from my sisters and friends.

They think I'm brave. They're jealous of my adventurous spirit--I get to do all of these cool things that they can't.

I'm neither brave or adventurous, at least not in the big ways they're talking about.

Y'see, I miss my family. I miss hugs from my nieces and nephews. I miss having people to do things with. I hate that I can't give my nieces and nephews big hugs when they tell me about their hard days.

I don't like the unknown. I don't like moving from one place to the next. I don't like not knowing if I'm going to get paid. I don't like doing things on my own all of the time. I don't like sitting on the outskirts looking in.

I don't feel brave. Most times, in fact, I feel foolish. I feel like there's something wrong with me.

I want a home. I want a family. I want love.
Yet, I can't seem to get it.
So I fill my life with other things...and they never seem to go right. I chalk it up to "adventures," knowing that if it's not a life or death situation, I'll get passed it somehow. Doesn't mean I like it, though.

My sisters find my dating woes funny. They never went through anything like this. They barely attended a single's ward before they got married.

They're encouraging me to date these guys, and I can't. I don't feel anything for them beyond friendship. "Give them a shot," they say. I can't. I know how that story goes.

I'm really good at getting to know people, and being fun, and whatnot. I like people, I like learning their stories. However, when you express interest in getting to know a guy--as a person--he thinks you're interested in dating him. Acceptable conclusion, I guess. ...except, in my case, it's wrong.

So what ends up happening is I just get to know people, but he starts investing his heart. Then I get in trouble for leading him on, and whatnot.

I have no heart. I'm fairly certain. I mean, it's malfunctioning. It only seemed to work for Adam, and it worked for him right from the start.

But if I want a family, if I want love...why can't I make it happen? There are guys interested in me. Why can't I want to try with one of them? What is wrong with me?

I know I'm in the right area, though. I know that my sacrifice of being near the family I have will be rewarded at some point. (I hope with my own family.)

The grass isn't any greener on anyone's side. I know my sisters have their trials with their families, and with work, and...whatever. Our paths are not the same, but our trials are similarly and respectfully difficult. I am not necessarily any braver or adventurous than one of them. I just do what I have to do to keep my head above water.