My dad never planned for the end because of something his grandfather told him as a kid. I don’t know if he took it for granted as if it were a done-deal rather than something that would happen 60+ years down the line. Regardless, he didn’t plan for death. 

There are things you can’t account for. Agency is one of them. I hoped a miracle might’ve happened so that his grandpa was right. Instead, I’ve had a lot of learning opportunities.

I have been stuck in this whirlpool of thought, contemplating my life. When do I go home? Is it even home anymore? What is my purpose? Am I doing any good, or am I taking the easy way out? I think back on my feelings from 4 years ago, and how different things might’ve been. I made choices, he made choices. I didn’t follow the promptings exactly that I had been given. I missed him. So. Much. I felt that he would still be mine, I just had to wait; be patient. I didn’t. And the outcome is different than I had hoped. Agency is powerful and can change the outcome of promises.

“I the Lord am bound when you do what I say; but when you do not what I say, ye have no promise.” O algo asi.

I’m sad for many things. But I’m really sad because I just want to find home. I want to go home and get a hug. This is so hard.

What would it be liked to be loved, and have someone choose you? I see these hallmark movies, and my married friends, and I get sad: no one ever chooses me.