I have finally given up, and I have no emotion about it..
Last night I felt the need to delete the conversation and stop hoping. I was also thinking about what someone in general conference said. It was about good women of the world joining the church in droves in the last days. I thought, the odds are definitely not in my favor. I’ve missed my chance, we’re in a new stage of the game, and I’ve got to focus on supporting the youth instead.

It’s really hard, y’know. To think life is whatever you make of it, because no one is going to be your copilot. It’s hard to look forward to the future when I hate my job, and I have no hope for companionship. The other day, I was talking to my sister about a non profit she’s setting up. She said that once there’s money to pay me, she’d give me a job. In the meantime, I’m consulting. And going to school, and teaching.

I feel dead. I know I’m supposed to be in Boise to share my testimony with my stake, but why couldn’t there be a bigger life reason for me? Like a job or a companion? It’s so discouraging trudging through the days headed towards...nothing. I need a new goal. I don’t even know where to begin.