My heart is conflicted. Which is better than it has been the last few days.

Y'see, last Sunday was the first Sunday since I've moved to Idaho that I hadn't cried most of the day. It's silly really. Every time I really give it thought, I am where I'm supposed to be. I just don't know why I have to be here, and life isn't going as I thought it would and I feel so lost and hopeless. So I cry.

I hate my job. I still haven't found my rhythm, and we're halfway through the semester. I feel so bad for the students, because I'm doing a crappy job of helping them learn Spanish. The lack of a social life and dance also brings me down. I'm so tired all of the time--depression is tiring!--so I'm basically a zombie all week.

Saturdays I can sort of catch my breath, and Sundays I go to church. I have time to think, and pray...and I look at the mess I've made of my life and I lose hope. I cry.

Except last Sunday. As what's-her-bucket sings, I had no tears left to cry. Why, you may ask? Because I had no hopes to be dashed. I've given up. My life is...as it is. I don't know what more I can do. I've hit so many brick walls.

I'm not going to magically find a boyfriend. I'm not going to get a job I enjoy doing. I need to accept my life for what it is and what it isn't.

I've had a couple of non-starter conversations with guys, and I can't even muster enough ganas to try. They're looking for love/soulmates/etc, and I've told them that's not going to be me. I have no heart. I really don't.

If I were to, for whatever reason, die. I wouldn't care (no worries, I will never ever try to die). Of my life right now, my thoughts are "meh," and I don't have the energy to try to change it anymore. I have no heart.

Well, today my parents called me up so they could transfer their satellite radio to my car. I heard the old-school Christmas music, and my heart got so sad. I missed my grandma. I missed the hopes I had in my younger years for memories I'd make listening to that music. (Needless to say, I've made none of those memories.)  I missed the joy of dancing, and realized that I won't find that release here.

It made me so happy, and so sad all at the same time.

I want those memories. I'm too late for them, though. I'm old, I'm tired, and I don't want to try anymore.

Everyone else has found love before. They've had kids. They've been married. Me? I'm the reject that no one wants.

It's just not in my cards. My dream job will never happen. I'll never be good enough for anyone, and I just have to learn to be happy with what I do have, and not hope for  more. I'm a supporting role/wallflower type. No one notices that type.

I once thought it could happen to me—I could find love. How stupid of me to believe that. Seriously. If it were to happen, it would have happened already.