Not Alone

Do you know what's amazing? As unsure as I am about so many things in my life right now, and as much as I don't know where to go, and as friendless as I feel...I don't feel alone. Everything will be ok.

I was walking around the temple tonight--a temple is a pretty good thinking spot--and I reflected on what has brought me to the dead-end I find myself in.
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Job-wise: I may be a quitter. I've never found a place where I belong, where I look forward to going to work--aside from the bookstore. That was fun. I've concluded, I need to change my mindset. I need to find a place and stay there, for better or worse.

I thought about when I quit my job in DC. I remember the first song at the bar we went to after we turned in our resignation was "On Top of the World," and that was how I felt. I knew I was doing the right thing, and I felt like I would have no trouble finding something new that would be better for me. I did great work while at the organization, and it would be a stepping stone to something better. My supervisor was able to find something better relatively quickly, however, I have not.

Maybe I'm too proud, and think too much of my abilities. Am I actually qualified for anything more than practically minimum-wage, entry-level work? I don't seem to stick around to find out. I tend to take jobs when they need help, and when they get back on even keel, I move on. ...except the npo. They rocked that boat too much. I had ideas for the future there, too.
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Friend-wise: I try to be there for people. I don't make friends easily, but I'm happy to help people if I'm able. If you are my friend, I want to do what friends do. Talk, go do things, hang out, etc. However, I'm not going to force my company on someone. If you live in close proximity yet avoid me, don't invite me to anything, never talk to me...then we're not actually friends.

Whatever. I'm tired of people saying one thing and then doing another. Adam tells me he loves me and wants to marry me and then ghosts me; Courtney says she doesn't want the whole you-have-to-move-so-the-other-girl-can-move-in to ruin our friendship, yet she has done nothing to help our friendship--I have tried a couple of times since our "chat" two weeks ago.

I don't understand people. I don't know why no one ever sticks around. If there's something so fundamentally wrong with me, why will no one say?
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Moving-wise: I thought about where I should go. It really doesn't matter where I am. There's nothing for me. I'm just me. I have no one waiting for me, I have no special talents that are needed anywhere. I'm a little, measly, one of a billion, person. I thought about living back east by my family--they seem to like having me around. It doesn't feel right. I thought about Kansas, Colorado, California, Nevada, Texas, etc...they don't feel right either. There's nothing concrete that makes any one place better than another, and it frustrates me. I feel so small, and inconsequential, and incompetent, and stupid. It doesn't matter where I go, so why can't I make it work?

I think of the Boise temple, and that's where I want to be. That's what calls me. There's no one there for me, no great job opportunity, just a temple. (Of which there are like 15 in Utah) That's what I'm basing my pending move on. Yeah, I feel like an idiot.
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It makes me wonder. All of these thoughts floating through my head, and while I'm seemingly on my own, floundering at the dead end where I find myself, I know that I'm not alone. It's really tough, discouraging, and daunting; but I'm not alone.