This is going to be long, so I apologize in advance. Great drama for weekend reading.
I don't know what good will be accomplished by me trying to date. My bishop says I need to keep trying, though.
I won't go into the details, because I don't want to be that person. Suffice it to say, these are some of the things this new guy thinks about me, in no particular order:
- illogical
- prideful
- acting stupid (after I suggested we're not going to work out)
- immature
- prideful (did I mention that already?)
- we're going to be married (don't worry, we won't be)
- easily offended
- quick to anger
- not spiritually strong enough to marry him
- dramatic; I'm a girl and that's how girls are
- one of the most spiritually progressed girls there are
- deceived by Satan (after I suggested we're not going to work out)
- driven to speak from emotions and not logic, because I'm a girl and that's what girls do.
- I will be his wife
- super smart
- prideful (yeah, it seems to come up often. I don't understand why)
- unable to comprehend a complex sentence
- illogical
- distrustful
- perfect
- not good enough for him
- crazy
That being said, what rational person would think these things about someone else, and still want to pursue a relationship with them? That is what doesn't make sense to me (among so many other things that have come up while he talks...but hey, I'm the illogical one).
He's scared that I'm less interested in him ever since he told me he recently made out with a girl (he did apologize for it). So he asked me, yes or no, if I am less interested in him since his confession. I told him no. (Oh! He likes my responses to be "yes" or "no" when he asks me a question. He doesn't care about the reasons, nor does he like me to seek clarification of the question--it's yes or no. *eye roll* He has a lot to learn.)
So my answer is what makes me an awful person. When I tried to explain something to him, he cut me off and said it doesn't matter. WARNING: Don't do that to a girl unless you want a false sense of security.
I felt bad, because he doesn't understand, and I'm going to end up hurting him inasmuch as it is possible. I have been up front with him from the very beginning, and multiple times since we've been talking that I'm not looking for anything serious--dates are about as much as I can do--and he has brushed off my comment because girls say that but don't really mean it. *eye roll* (Do you have a sense of why I keep saying we're not going to work?)
So, I've been "talking" to him almost daily for the past week. It is evident by his continued hope and desire to marry me, among other comments, that he has more feelings for me than I for him. After his make out confession, he got the sense that I'm less interested in him because of his indiscretion.
That is not the case, and he didn't let me explain. The distance he was feeling was not because of what he did, but because of the emotions he seems to have for me. They just became more apparent after his confession. I feel no less interest in him, because I didn't have much to begin with. (I told you I'm an awful person.)
I have no heart. It's been that way since forever. I haven't had a boyfriend in over 10 years. Why? Because it's mean to give guys false hope. I would go out with guys because they ask me. The couple of boyfriends I have had, I've never been interested in. I always break it off when they seem to start to get too attached. Then I realized how mean it is to continue to accept dates from the same guy if you're not interested in more. I figured if I didn't feel something more for them, how could they possibly feel something more for me? If they want to keep hanging out, sure! Let's hang out. ..That is apparently not how it works.
So I learned, never go on a second date unless I actually have feelings for that person. (It used to be never go on a date unless I was interested in them. ...maybe I should adopt that idea again.) I haven't been on a second date in over 10 years.
How do you measure a date in conversation? Especially when the conversation revolves around one person lecturing on church books? Have we been dating? In my mind we haven't been. But he claims to have real feelings for me, and again, I don't understand how. I've never met him in real life, and well...you've seen the list of what he thinks of me. Yeah, I was taken aback when I realized that he is really investing himself in me. Yes, that realization started to cause me to pull back, and try to break away. So when he asked if I feel less interested since his confession? No. Honest to goodness answer. And he doesn't care to know the reason why.
Apparently I need to figure out how much conversation equals a date, so I know when to stop after one. I don't see the point in even trying to date. I just seem to unintentionally hurt people. I know, that I could have that affect on someone blows my mind, too.
.
.
.
The only person to have shown me that I do in fact have a heart in my body was Adam. And he helped me find it in a big way. I felt my heart with him right from day one, and it began with a stirring. Like a bear waking from a long winter's nap. I quickly found that I am capable of being in love, and how wonderfully right it feels.
I have tried to resuscitate my heart with other guys...without success. Sometimes I wonder if it's still in there. (This is a question I've been asking myself since my teenage years.) Then I think of Adam, and quickly, I find my heart again.
I guess I still have a lot to learn. I'm apparently not ready for love. I'm hoping Heavenly Father will help me. Do you have any ideas? Portugal person, I feel like you've read enough from me that you can probably give me some advice. Haha.
P.S. The one thing I'm sure of is that I won't be this new guy's wife. haha
No comments:
Post a Comment