Sacrifice, Work, and Patience

Sister Uchtdorf started to talk and I had tears rolling down my face. I was laughing at her humor, yet crying at the same time.

She clearly is still very much in love with her husband. They still dance together! ❤️

I wonder if I’m capable of love. Maybe there’s something really wrong with me that I can’t feel more for any of these guys. I’m trying, but I don’t know how to change my feelings.

It starts getting awkward when they want to move forward and I’m like, “wait, wait! I don’t know you well enough yet [to have any feelings for you]!” Of course, I don’t say that last part. One guy pointed out, “do I have to know everything about you to have feelings for you?” ...no, but I don’t feel you know me well enough, nor I you. ...what he knows he likes, and he wants to move forward. 😓 Whereas if I never talked to any of these guys again, it wouldn’t phase me.

Is my heart too cold to love someone? I want to get married, I want a family, so why can’t I bring myself to move forward with these guys?

Elder Uchtdorf said eternal answers often require sacrifice, work, and patience, but they are worth the wait.

😭

You know those times when you decide, ok, I’m going to cut my losses and move on? That was me (again) this week in regards to Adam. What am I waiting for? But something inside said wait until Sunday. I was thinking I’d receive some marvelous revelation in church, so I would wait and see—I didn’t know there was a devotional this evening until I saw a post this afternoon on Facebook.

In church, one of the sacrament speakers spoke on how he thought he had to give up ballroom dance completely because it was affecting his grades. Two years later, he had learned how to balance his studies, and felt he could give dance another go. He was blessed for making that sacrifice, and things worked out that he was able to join the dance team again, even though it was technically too late.

In Sunday school, I taught the lesson on foreordination. and I was reminded that just because you are called to something, it’s still up to you whether or not you accept it. Agency is an extremely powerful gift.

All of that being said, I didn't feel like church helped me one way or the other with my feelings toward Adam.

Then, this evening, Elder Uchtdorf brings up Joseph of Egypt (The fourth time that has been brought up for consideration this year from different sources). And he says eternal answers require sacrifice, and work, and patience—but they’re worth the wait.

How many times have I felt that Adam and I are worth the wait? How many times have I prayed only to receive the answer that I will need patience? Is it a sacrifice to wait? Heck, yes! How many times have the things he said so long ago randomly pop into my head as though it were yesterday,  and bring me comfort?

It was so easy with him. I’ve been paying a little more attention to my surroundings, and guys do find me attractive, and fun...I just rebuff their non-verbal attempts before they have a chance to make them verbal. Often times it’s by “Oh, I have to do xyz, have a good day!” and me walking away. So why do I find it hard to believe that Adam would find me attractive enough? (Ok, probably because he disappeared, but still.)

Sacrifice, work, and patience. I will try. I just worry that he has completely forgotten me, at which point what good would all of the waiting in the world do me? :(

On a separate note, I told some people yesterday that I was moving. Almost all of them cried at the news. One of them said, “I know you love dancing, but I also know that you’re not as happy here as you used to be. I hope you can find your happiness out there; you deserve it.”

I have been blessed to know some really wonderful people. Tender mercies, right?