Hopeless

Family time is always bittersweet.

I look around and wonder where the heck have I gone so wrong? Why does no one find me worth their time?

I was at a bridal shower for my cousin on Saturday. How awkward being the only unmarried one--yes, even the one being celebrated has been married 8 months. When everyone in attendance is family, it's all the more awkward when a couple of them start talking about how their husbands have permission to marry me should something happen to them.

...thaaaanks, no thanks.

Hearing this just sets off the already dismal internal monologue that has me believing there's no hope for me.

"I'm too old. Still unemployed, and don't know what I want to do with my life. Too used to being alone. Too naive. Too depressing." And it's a catch 22 because people don't like talking to people who are Debbie Downers, but I struggle to see the point in trying.

Y'see, my heart is still broken. Recently, I've had a number of people randomly compliment/thank me on--essentially--how awesome I am. And I hate it. If I were so awesome, then why the heck is my life such a mess? If I were so awesome, why do I not know what to do with my life? If I were so awesome, then why am I still alone? I'm obviously doing things wrong.

I've been thinking about Adam a lot recently, and how stupid I was to think someone could fall in love with me through text/phone calls in just a couple of days. Haha, why would anyone choose me, much less someone who is funny, intelligent, attractive, and has an amazing voice? I'm just me, and that never seems to be enough. (haha, or it's too much; I don't know.)
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I don't know. I try to make the best of bad situations, and help others, but at the end of the day I'm stuck with me and my thoughts reminding me that time does not stand still.

It breaks me down.

Hopefully soon, though, my siblings will arrive so their kids can open their Christmas presents. I've been waiting all day for people to show up at my parents' house. I made two of my nephews ballroom dance ties using the Swarovski crystals they collected from the ground at my competitions. I can't wait to see their faces as they open their presents. :)