I'm Me

I'm so.

I need to value myself more, but how can I?

I've been called a liar, schemer, and manipulator in the past week.

I know the liar and schemer bit is because they didn't like what I had to say, but it doesn't make what I said untrue.

Manipulator? That was someone hypothesizing why Adam ghosted me. What have I done, though, to give the impression that I'm that kind of person?!

I realize some things I said in grief after he ghosted me might be construed as manipulative, but I always feel bad about those, and I take down those posts. Is it so awful to want him to feel a little remorse in what he did to me so that he will explain to me why he did it?

If he doesn't want me, and it looks like he doesn't--I know--I will be completely heartbroken; right now I have a sliver of hope that I'm trying to quell. I will accept his choice, but I want to know why. What happened? I don't feel that is unreasonable.

So my question is, how is my view of myself so different from how others (roughly my age) see me? I know I'm not pretty; I'm not ugly, but I'm not pretty. I try to be friendly, and help others. I try to be honest.

...and now to prove that whatever story my organization tries to spin about my leaving, I have to find another job with a similar or higher title than my current one to prove the problem is not with me. I was hoping to leave this job-type behind me.

I'm very discouraged. I wish I had something going in my favor.

I'm reminded of D&C 122. The whole section lists all these possible awful things that could happen, just as an example, and says:

"Know though, my [daughter], that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." 

And continues on to say:

"The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art though greater than he?

"Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever."

Sometimes, it brings peace to know that God is aware of me. Other times I want to rail against it and say, "but I don't want these trials. Why can't my trials include having my own family?" (Patience is not my strong suit.)

And then I think, what if my trial were being in a relationship where my husband were indifferent to me. I don't want that trial either. haha. Ok, I will let my own family be my reward for what I'm going through now. ...I just really worry that I'm going to lose my husband "early." And I don't want that, not at all. Especially if it is taking so long to find him. I don't want to lose time together.

I mean, life is very precarious. I had another friend who recently died in a car accident. A mother of four, almost five--her baby didn't make it either.  My heart breaks for the husbands left to care for their young families, while grieving their spouses.

I never want to be in that situation. Haha, I'm having a hard enough time losing Adam, and we were never even married. I don't know how I could overcome the grief of losing my spouse.

Whatever. I'm jumping the gun. But I guess the answer on how to value myself more lies with recognizing that I'm doing what I'm supposed to. Things may not go how I'd like them to...but. The problem lies with other people. One day I will find someone who values me for me.

I hope.