I finally felt OK about going back on Mutual. Every time I'd open the app up until a week or two ago felt like a waste of time. It felt futile.

I finally felt ok about it: ready, even a little hopeful. A few swipes, and there's his picture. It stops my heart to see him. I got so excited, but then I had to remind myself: just because I can see his face doesn't mean that we can magically now talk. Nothing has changed. He still doesn't choose me. 

It still hurts.

Because he still feels so right and familiar to me. A part hopes that maybe someday he'll get it, and see that I was right all along.

And then another voice tells me I'll never be a person someone actually considers marrying. Who wants to be married to someone with an imperfect smile. I'm just meant to be on the sidelines. Taking pictures of families. Helping care for families. Not actually being a part of one.

It is hard to hope. I tend to say too much. Elder Gong shared with me the scripture, "Mary kept these things and pondered them in her heart." ...I DO ponder them...with my heart. except...he still has my heart. That's the problem. I say too much to him. I doubt he even reads any of it.

I have loved him for over 3 years. If he has given me any thought in that time, I'm sure it's just that [I'm] crazy.

Anywho. My life doesn't revolve around him. My thoughts/hopes reach out to him. I just want to find happiness. I serve, even when I don't feel like it.

I have had so many amazing experiences this week, some of which is getting written in my temple journal.

It boils down to how amazingly blessed I am to have the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. Not only that, but to have the restoration of the priesthood power on the earth, and the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation. I have been slacking on my study of the Book of Mormon, and I felt that today. It truly is a special treasure to the world to teach eternal truths that have been lost in translation.

I was about to bear my testimony to some friends today about a certain topic, but I found I couldn't. Had I said what I initially thought, I knew it would lack the power that our conversation up to that point had. So I altered my testimony, and I realized I need to change some things in my life. I want to be a light to others. I want to help. I may not make the smartest career moves, or any moves really, but I can help others come closer to Christ and receive the bounteous blessings through covenants with God.

...Seriously though. I am intelligent, so why do I keep making dumb moves? I should just focus my energies on finding and developing a career for myself so I can have a stable future instead of trying to find a companion. I need to find something that can allow me to afford to go back to school in the evenings. I brought back my geology and law books. I really liked those classes...
I think part of me thinks if I find a man to marry, I can devote my time to the things that I don't get paid for--church stuff--and be able to use my talents to help raise a family.

I would be a good wife/companion/mom, though. I should be happy that I can help other families instead. I mean, if I weren't single, they wouldn't have called me into the stake relief society presidency. I wouldn't have been able to become a temple worker when I did. Silver linings, right?