I may have lost my mind. I didn't even buy a ticket to a Spanish-speaking country. (Though maybe I'll do that for the summer?) I bought a ticket to Rome to go with my best friend and her family. (I don't know what it's like to explore with all of them. I hope it's not boring. I may be left to my own devices.)

I've been in a really rough spot, emotionally speaking, recently. I feel like a complete and utter failure in every aspect of my life. I mean, we went into lockdown on Friday, and I sat there thinking--would it even matter if I were to die? I'm not going to go looking for death, but if it found me would it make any difference? I will likely need a new job soon, anyways, and I'm not confident in my ability to get one. I just seem to be on a downward spiral in everything.

Add to it, this guy that I've been going out with...we're not a good match. He doesn't encourage me to be better. But he really likes that I can help him with his homework and kids.

*sigh* I really don't think I have hope of finding a love that will be enough to marry someone. I was watching his kids this weekend while he was working really odd hours, and I wondered what it would be like if I were their step-parent. It didn't feel right.

Then I wondered if I'd ever be able to experience a family of my own. I wondered if I even have the patience for it anymore.
(It does not look promising.)

Would I be able to love step-kids as I ought to? I don't even know if I could have done it with Adam's kids. I mean, I loved them without having met them, but would it have been different if I knew them in real life? Maybe. Probably. The constant reminder--especially in teen years--that I'm not their mom.

Bof.

What am I looking for? Where is my faith?