I learned a lot about my dad's side of the family the other day.

I drove down to Utah for the funeral of one of my dad's cousins. It was a shock to be in a room with so many people who share my last name. It was really cool, though! Add to it, I loved to hear the stories they had to share about their dad. It has given me much to think about. I want to have what they had. I loved the testimonies that his kids had and how their dad was a part of that. He actively shaped their lives, and sought teaching moments with them. He worked hard and played hard, and kept the gospel a central part of his life. I looked around the packed tabernacle and was amazed at the impact he had on not only his family, but also his community. He lived the gospel, and sought to build up those around him, regardless of how long they'd be in his life.

I couldn't help but think of how awesome it would be to leave a legacy like anyone in that family. The guy I've been going out with went to the funeral with me, and he commented afterwards that I must come by my awesomeness naturally. He could see a lot of similar personality traits between myself and that family. I know my immediate family is pretty awesome, but we didn't grow up with such strong support in the gospel. I'd want to change that if I ever have a family.

Bof. I told that guy I agreed to be boyfriend/girlfriend. If we were to get married, I can't picture us having a family together. I thought, y'know, maybe I got it wrong a couple of years ago. This guy has dark sorta curly hair... but. He's not him. I can still choose to date him, and whatever. I just feel like she's not there.

It's really hard. It has been three years. She could have been here; and when I think of her, I think of Adam, and how well he seemed to fit.

I feel like I'm forcing things in my life because I don't know what to do anymore. But I'm going to keep trying to move forward and try to leave a positive impact wherever I go.