I reflecting today about life and my mission.
Saturday, I'm going to meet up with an old mission companion. She and her husband are going to the temple for the first time since their new baby was born! I haven't seen her in like 5 or 6 years--geez, time flies.

So I, of course, began to reminisce.

On the mission, I tried to be the best missionary I could be. That being said, I only served in two areas, and I never got to train. One of my companions says I practically trained her since she was only with her actual trainer for one transfer before her trainer went home, but the truth is I didn't. I didn't get to experience the events associated with new missionaries.

Everyone thought I would train. They all knew I knew the language really well, and that I knew the areas well, I was bound to train. Especially when, at one point, there were so many new missionaries coming in, only 3 sisters wouldn't be training. ...I never trained.

The mission is like life, no?

Everyone thought for sure I would be married shortly after I went to college. Then they said I would surely be married shortly after I returned to college. They said I'm cute, smart, talented, an RM--I wouldn't stay single long. ...I rarely had a date.

Now I think about where I am. I never had a mission baby, and I'm starting to think I'll never have a real baby. Will I eventually marry? I hope so, one day. Will the closest I come to having kids be raising someone else's? Probably. That's how it was in the mission. It makes me sad. I never quite fit in; I'm always stepping in to fill someone else's shoes. I'm never a first choice. I'm always left sitting on the sidelines, only called upon when there's no one else.

I don't know how to be a lead-role kind of person. I never seem to be good enough for that responsibility. If anyone were seriously interested in me, it's probably because there was literally no one else and there are kids to be taken care of.

I'm a little less optimistic these days. Sue me.