I really. I still miss him so much. My heart hurts. I still don’t understand. I hope I can possibly feel that way again towards someone else, but I honestly don’t think I ever can.

I was listening to a talk today. I know there are millions of people in worse situations than me, so I should be grateful for what I have. And I am. I’m also very cognizant of what I don’t, and it hurts. The speaker said sometimes God doesn’t answer prayers because we’re not ready for them. If I’ve not been ready before, I will never be ready. I seem to be on a downward spiral.

I have no heart. I wish I did. I wish he didn’t crush it into oblivion. I want to be able to love someone, get married, have a family, work together to make the impossible possible.

Instead. I’m getting crushed under the weight of time. The loneliness. The fact that there is a good man who has, on multiple occasions, expressed interest in marrying me, and I can’t even work up enough ganas to want to take a weekend to visit him. Because I don’t love him. And I still miss Adam. I have tried SO FREAKING HARD to move on and forget him

It always comes back to him. And wondering why we didn’t work out.

Some people have the capacity to love easily. I wish I were one of them. I really truly do. Or I wish I were the kind of person who could settle for less.

I’m so tired. I want to be past this hell I find myself in.

I can’t help but wonder if this is the best I’ll ever be.