New Year

It has been a very emotionally draining couple of months.

My family has been mourning the loss of my grandmother since October. There have been a few discussions since then regarding the sensibility of prolonging the final goodbye to Grandma's House. On one hand, the holidays were fast approaching, and as for one branch of my family, they have never celebrated the holidays anywhere except my grandma's house. So it was proposed and sustained that the main furniture and decor of the house remain unaltered until after the new year. In theory it would enable the family one last season of gathering and time to say goodbye to an amazing woman that glued us all together.

The one thing that many didn't count on was the impact grandma's presence lent to family holiday gatherings. She was more often than not a quiet observer, but everyone was aware of her and her sometimes surprising antics. She would temper the drama because there were just some things you didn't say in front of grandma. Additionally, with many of her grandchildren marrying and having to balance holidays with in-laws and business responsibilities, there was a lot of coming and going--oft times leaving only two people at the house. Those would be the times that grandma would fill in the lull in conversation. This year, those were the times that her absence was more pronounced.

The past few months have been like scratching at a scab instead of letting it heal. We said goodbye to her for a week that first week in October following her passing. It was a whirlwind of activity and tears, but it was not really the end. She was interred on November 8 at Arlington National Cemetery, and with that, there was another week of figuring out matters of estate. Less than two weeks later, we gathered again for Thanksgiving--but it was punctuated with debates over estate matters and who would be getting what. Finally it was Christmas, with comings and goings, and knowing the house was to be dissected in the coming days, the holiday was all about motions and not about heart. We didn't talk about grandma too much, except to say that we missed her. Was it a fumbled Hail Mary? Should we have tried to adapt this year's holiday in recognition for what it was, instead of trying to treat it like any other Christmas in the past?

The holidays are past. It's time for the final goodbye to the house that has housed almost 60 years, and 5 generations of family memories. (Going through old photos, it's amazing at how little has changed there.) My heart has been breaking since October, but nothing could have prepared me for walking through her nearly empty house. Memories assailed me from my early childhood through recent years. Standing out on their front stoop, I could see my grandparents with their young kids taking Easter pictures, and then the same stoop where my mom posed with her dad on her wedding day. The proud moment they brought home their new car. Running through their daily life that I never truly attributed to them because I just saw them as grandma and grandpa.

This week will see the last of their worldly possessions removed from the house, and a true start to the new year. Moving forward from this limbo of mourning. It's bittersweet, but it is time to let the scab heal. I will never forget my grandma--she was one of my best friends--but I know that I will see her again. I also know that she has been reunited with my grandfather and that they are happy to be together again. It's just never easy being the one left behind.