complicated

I feel like I need to apologize to every guy that’s had the misfortune to go out with me.
Apparently I’m too much. I’m too complicated. I’m crazy.
I “make men fall in love with” me, just to mess with them. 😓

No. No, I don’t. Yes, when they start getting attached I guess I start pushing away. I don’t want to hurt them. I tell them I have no heart at the beginning just to set realistic expectations. I try to feel something in the meantime. So far, no luck.

This most recent one, I’ve really screwed up. He was sober well over a year, but in the past two days he’s had a couple of beers because he’s “distraught about” me, and wants to numb the pain. He pointed out that we’re on different levels, and he needs someone on his level, but he wants to know why I can’t love him and marry him outside of the temple. Why can’t I be on his level? :( It was so sad to hear. I told him if he came to my level, then things would be different between us. He doesn’t want to change though.

I want to find someone I can love at my level. I hate hurting guys. It hurts me, too.